Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (or "What Was That and Why Hasn't It Happened to Me Sooner?")

I saw Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance last night. What did I think of it?

Sorry, Rob. It's all yours after this.

It's utterly ridiculous in all the right ways, featuring Nicolas Cage's most insane and fun role yet, as well as more angry driving than Drive Angry.

And that featured a car with the license plate "DRVAGRY"

Now, the story in Spirit of Vengeance is nothing to write home about. Cage plays Johnny Blaze, a stunt biker who sold his soul to the devil to save his father and now becomes a demon known as "The Ghost Rider" in the presence of evil. Idris Elba offers to lift Blaze's curse if he rescues a MacGuffin (the MacGuffin this evening will be played by some kid who is most likely the Antichrist [uh...spoilers?])

That's really it in a nutshell. And if that doesn't sound interesting, you wouldn't be wrong. The plot is ultimately forgettable and unimportant. What makes the movie so fun is its style and tone.

And Nicolas Cage. It's like 80% Nicolas Cage.

For immediate watchability, just add Cage!

Here, let me explain:

I don't think a single word Cage said was pre-written. The directors just gave him the summary of the film's "plot" they were planning on slapping on the back of the DVD, took off his muzzle, and let him loose on set. And it. Is. Brilliant.

Cage's Johnny Blaze is a crazed, sociopathic cartoon character. He rambles on, yells at inappropriate times, and his eyes pop out of his head. When he's on screen, it often feels less like a Ghost Rider movie and more of a Nic Cage reality show. I swear to God his first transformation of the movie, which has him hissing and screaming while knocking over shelves, was just old footage of him hearing the reactions to the first Ghost Rider movie.

"WHERE'S MY ACADEMY AWAAARD?"

And at one point, while grilling someone for information by threatening to chew all the scenery until they all fall into a nonexistent void, he says a line that could not have possibly been anything but spur-of-the-moment loony talk. The entire theater lost it and it is, without a doubt, the most hilarious Nic Cage quote of all time.

"...OF ALL TIME!"

I don't even want to spoil it, but it's then followed by a solid minute of Nic Cage just laughing and wiggling his head around on a motorcycle.

Even the moments when Cage acts normal are entertaining. He says each line in that monotone "I'm here, where's my goddamn paycheck" voice of his, and every sentence ends with his strange upwards inflection where he holds the last syllable a second too long.

To reinforce my theory that nobody bothered to give Cage a script, there's even a scene towards the end with Cage and his female protagonist, played by Violante Placido, that has this really odd one-sided sexual tension. It feels like Cage realized the movie was ending soon and he hadn't gotten the chance to bump uglies with the "love interest", so he figured now must be the time. Placido looks baffled as to why this scene isn't in her script and Cage looks upset that neither one of them is naked yet.

Now, if you're thinking, "Sure, Cage can be entertaining, but isn't half this movie replacing him with a CGI skullhead?", don't worry.

That brings me to my next point:

I don't remember the first Ghost Rider too well. I do remember, though, that the Rider was actually pretty boring. He didn't say much, if anything, and he just kind of stood around and pointed.

This has nothing to do with piddly. I just realized I hadn't drawn anything.

In the sequel, Cage actually plays the Ghost Rider -- or his body, at least, as his face is replaced with the CGI fire skull. This could have been a problem, as half the fun of Nic Cage is the faces he makes, but Cage makes up for it by really animating the Rider. He plays him much like a horror monster, giving him a creepy insect-like gait. He tilts his head at odd angles and never really walks in a straight line. In short, it's really a lot of fun to watch.


Even the Ghost Rider's "signature move", the Penance Stare, makes an appearance. It gets no real explanation, outside of a few vague lines from Cage, so rather than being the Rider forcing his victims to live through all their sins, it just looks like he's forcing them into a horrible up-close staring contest. And then you remember that the actors are just seeing Nic Cage disregarding their personal boundaries instead of a CGI skull, and it takes on a whole new form of hilarity.

You. Sins. Tell 'em to me.

The Rider speaks, too. Not a lot, I suppose, and it's mostly just whispering the names of his victims, but he does get a few lines in and at least one corny deadpan action-movie pun you can't help but smile at.

But not all the enjoyment comes from Cage alone...

The movie is a lot of fun because, like Drive Angry, it knows what it is and it knows its audience. It doesn't talk down to you, but it also doesn't try to please grandma because she walked in on accident. The script (you know, the one everyone but Cage got) is silly and some dialogue is terrible, but they make up for it by amping the action up to 11.

Things explode. People burst into flames. Ghost Rider is even given a new ability to transform any vehicle he rides into a flaming monstrosity. Aside from one exception (which I'll get to in a minute), there's never really a dull moment and not a single f*** was given.

It works fairly well as a comedy, too. Outside of Cage freakouts, most of the laughs are intentional, with some really funny jokes. Remember in the trailer when Ghost Rider is peeing fire?

I don't get it. Explain your hilarious joke to me, trailer.

I saw that, chuckled for a second, and thought, "That's going to be really stupid if I see it again."

But when it happened in the movie, it was actually pretty funny, mostly because it cuts back to Cage imitating it on the back of a truck. It even comes back again later.

The camera work is excellent, too. There are a lot of quick cuts like that that are intentionally edited for comedic timing, and chase since are shot at dynamic angles. There are even some stylistic choices that work well, such as the villains powers being used in a black void. Even the recap of the basic origin at the movie's start (and another at an odd spot in the middle) is shown in a really well-executed animated sequence.

Also, his bike sounds like a Transformer. It's used well to create tension before the Rider's arrival, but...Bayformers, man. Take that as you will.

There is a point towards the movie's climax where it really slows down. Bad. The action grinds to a halt and it gets really boring. It's a good twenty minutes or so of just wondering when the hell he's going to turn back into the Ghost Rider.

There's no camel. At one point Cage explains that anything the Rider, uh, rides transforms, too. This leads little MacGuffin to ask what if he gets on a tractor, or takes a taxi, or rides a camel.

We never find out.

I expected a scene after the credits, a daydream (that's what the peeing thing was), or something. Hell, even if they just teased it by having him look at a camel and smirk, I'd be content. But no. The perfect set-up and no pay-off. And I wasn't the only one in the theater who stuck around to see.

Lastly, the 3D is more or less pointless (we didn't have a choice), but I did get to make my favorite horribly stupid joke that no one else finds funny because I do it at every 3D movie.

"It's like it's being approved for all audiences right at me! No, you shut up!"

Overall, though, there really is a lot to like in Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

Save your questions until after I give a sh*t.

• Drive Angry did not apparently have the maximum possible amount of angry driving.
• No one gave Nicolas Cage a script, but instead let him believe he really was the Spirit of Vengeance and followed him around for a week.
• Don't have children, because there's always that off-chance they'll be a MacGuffin.
• I piss off everyone in the audience at 3D movies. Because I'm scum.
• Apparently, the image of a skeletal camel is absolutely horrifying, because I can see no reason why you would not put that in your movie.

Seriously, though - go see Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, even if you hated the first. Hell, especially, if you hated the first.

Still not convinced? Here's some science:

See y'all next week.

Now sit there and think about what you've done.

Put on your tinfoil hats, it's crazy theory time.

Yeah, I'm late again. I had a very busy weekend. Then I just kept getting distracted. Sorry, imaginary people that I pretend read my opinions.

I'll have reviews up soon. I may lump last week's in with this week's. I don't know yet.
But right now?

THEORY TIME:

(This is where I would put an image I scribbled like I do in the reviews, but Photoshop takes a long time to boot up and I'm lazy tonight.)

Anyway, because Marvel cannot keep a secret to save its life, they revealed some new information about Ultimate Spider-Man, post-"Death of Spider-Man". A new costume for Ultimate Spider-Man was shown, as well as the declaration that this new Spider-Man is not Peter Parker.

First off, despite this new evidence to the contrary, I still don't believe Peter will die. There's too much tied to this one specific character that has yet to be explored or resolved.

So who is this new Spider-Man? I have a theory, and while I highly doubt it will be true, I still think it's awesome, and something only Bendis would have the guts and sense of humor to pull off.

Let's start off with some brief background info here: In the 616 (main) Marvel universe, the Human Torch has died. He left his spot on the team to his best friend, Peter Parker. Now, Peter is the new member of the renamed Future Foundation, complete with new costumes.

In the Ultimate universe, a teenage Peter lives with his Aunt May, and his housemates now include Johnny Storm (the Human Torch), as well as Bobby Drake (Iceman). If Peter "dies" (or at least his alter-ego does -- it is called "Death of Spider-Man", not "Death of Peter Parker", which carries more certainty), wouldn't it be fitting for his best friend Johnny (and perhaps Bobby, too) to take up the webs in his place? And like Peter's new spot on the FF, it comes with a brand-new costume.

Now, granted, this is a stretch based on just a sliver of leaked info and more than a bit of speculation, but it seems like a clever meta-joke to me.

Oh, plus, take a look at the released cover, which I borrowed from Comics Alliance:

Based on the body build, this is not the Jessica Drew clone of Peter. It could be another clone, but it would be pretty lazy to bring them back suddenly for this, after I'm fairly certain it was confirmed they were all dead.

The only power we have confirmed by the single image is web-swinging, but Peter uses home-made web-shooters on his wrists. Really, anyone could use those.

Also, looking at that costume again, it looks a lot like Johnny's Ultimate Fantastic Four costume, only with different colors. The triangle on the chest is very similar, as well as the lack of defined boots.

Dead or alive, Peter will not be Ultimate Spider-Man for much longer. The best bet is that this is an already-established character. I'm hoping it's Johnny. Will I place money on it? No.

But it is the only way I won't be severely disappointed by this gimmick. Mark Millar, despite only being half-involved in this, rarely manages to live up to his hype.