Okay, Internet - we need to talk about Superior (or "Why I'm done with Mark Millar's creator-owned works") - Part 3b

Start where I was actually trying to make a point in Part 1 here.

Continued from a false Part 3 here

I've been distracted the past week and using that as an excuse to put this off, but I may as well bite the bullet and get this over with.

 

Previously, in an increasingly stupid Superior...
So when we last left this book and tried incredibly hard to forget it through both alcohol and blunt force trauma, the space monkey demon Ormon wants disabled Simon's soul. In return, he'll turn Simon into the superhero Superior. When Simon refuses, Ormon turns the bully Sharpie into a supervillain for free because he's an idiot. Sharpie appears on TV as Abraxas, hoping to draw Simon out by causing mayhem.

Now that we're up to speed -- Superior #7...

So we open with what looks like an army-escorted evacuation of Simon's neighborhood. Simon is questioned by his father when he starts heading in the opposite direction, and Simon snarks back, "Where does it look like?" like a snot. Also, do Simon's parents know he's Superior? We never really saw any of their interaction once he got home, as the whole "Simon was kidnapped" subplot pretty much wasn't. It's mentioned maybe three times throughout the series like Millar realized, "Oh yeah, his parents probably care that their kid's been missing for a week."

"I thought groceries were cheaper this week."

Cut to Ormon, who announces that Simon's taken the deal. He then pats himself on the back for finally purchasing a soul after 500 years. Now here's a question: What is a soul? What are they used for? Why does Satan need them? Are they currency? A source of power?

This is important to the logic of the story. Ormon is displaying a great deal of power here. He's granting not one, but two, of the most insane wishes of all time in exchange for one measly soul. Ormon himself admits to Simon that this is the most elaborate wish since the dawn of man, and he goes ahead and grants it again for Sharpie, only this time for free. In fact, Sharpie seems more likely to give up his soul without more incentive than Simon.

So what's worth all of this pizazz? If souls are a power source, then let's say one soul is worth two extravagant wishes. If they're worth more, then more wishes like Simon's would easily be granted. There has to be a reason for the restrictions. If they're power, then Ormon's sure burning a lot of it to possibly break even. And if souls and wish power don't correlate, then I'm sure more demons would be willing to grant larger wishes if it's more likely guaranteeing them a soul. Ormon can't be the only desperate demon here. And the soul is apparently going straight to Satan. So does Ormon have this power on loan? He's going to have a hard time paying that back.

If souls are a currency in Hell, then this isn't a bad advertisement for Demon Deals Inc., but he's also running the risk of flooding the market. If he only needs one soul every 500 years, then it's safe to assume they're a rarity. And if everyone is offering up their soul for the powers of a god, then pretty soon their value plummets dramatically. It'll be like the post-90s with comics, with a bunch of demons sitting around with soul dollar bins.

Several just handed their soul over for more pouches.

Not to mention that after sealing the deal and having nothing more to gain, Ormon allows (and later joins with) Sharpraxis to continue killing random people.

You know, all those potential future clients. I'm pretty Satan won't be happy either way.

A thousand Ormons with a thousand typewriters couldn't even produce a chapter of Twilight.

Anyway, the most obvious pointless fakeout wastes three pages when Tad Scott, who plays Superior in the movies, shows up to stop Sharpraxis. No one even falls for it, so I have no idea why it occured. Tad's barely even a minor character in the book, working out much like Simon's parents as another "oh, I guess this should be addressed" plot point.

Simon-perior appears just in time to stop Sharpraxis from killing Tad. He also keeps the book's classy tone by telling the villain to "eat s***, Sharpie."

The two fight and Simonperior is obviously winning, until Ormon announces that he turned himself into "The Annihilator. From Superiors Two and Five." Because he's an idiot. Like I said, he's just burning power right now, because he rented three-wishes-worth of magic for a week and he's going to use it, god damn it! Also, why does he feel the need to announce what movies this character is from? It's so goofy to me. It's like instead of collecting souls, he just sat around in Hell watching a 500-year marathon of Superior movies.

Don't judge. This is totally you.

What follows are way too many pages of a long fight scene between Simonperior, Sharpraxis, and ....Ormonilator? I don't know. I dug my own grave when I started this name thing. I'm going to stop now.

So Simon and Sharpie fight, and then Sharpie threatens to kill Simon's mom in front of him. This leads Simon to explode Sharpie's head somehow because he "shouldn't have mentioned [his] mom, dickhead." Upon seeing this, some random guy in the background yells, "Get ready for the final smackdown, bitch!" and it is so awkward to me. Hey, idiot. Run for your life. Don't taunt the super powers.

He then of course gets vaporized by Ormon.

Real burns for the sick burn.

I'd like to again point out that Ormon has no reason to do any of this. He has what he wanted. He and Sharpie trade stereotypical comic villain dialogue as they form a plan to split up and destroy a power station as well as East Village, and I don't know why. Ormon gains nothing from this, and, like I said before, it most likely will cause him more problems than anything. I just can't get into a story when I don't understand character motivations. Is it to mess with Simon? Is Ormon really so petty? The story that advertised itself as a new take on the superhero story has now become the embodiment of every bad stereotype found in superhero stories. I can't really say any more than it just doesn't make any sense. It's action for action's sake.

But I digress. Simon flies Sharpie into space and punches his face in, then slams his body into Ormon. But right before this Ormon declares, "Nothing on God's good Earth is going to stop me doing what I've got planned." What does he have planned? He already did what he planned. He has nothing more to gain and everything to lose.

What's more insane is that on the following page, Ormon proceeds to say everything I just said. He's already won. It's "five to midnight" (Whether that's literal or a reference to the Doomsday Clock, I don't care. He needed the soul by that night and it's the middle of the goddamn day. Look at the f***ing sky) and he has that soul. He can't lose.

Also, the body of the Annihilator is in pieces everywhere, so apparently he drove it like a mech, rather than turned himself into it. That's just a funny image to me.

Also hilarious? "Monkey cockpit".

Then Ormon proceeds to expound upon us the most ridiculous logic I've ever heard in any media ever. Remember my question about the soul? Ormon tries to answer it and fails horribly. According to the demon space monkey: "A human soul is the most precious thing in the universe. It's worth a billion lives. A hundred billion lives."

Let's go over that again:

"A human soul is the most precious thing in the universe. It's worth a billion lives. A hundred billion lives."

And one last time:

"A human soul is...worth a billion lives. A hundred billion lives."

I'm sorry...what?

It's true. Cats are ignorant when it comes to arithmetic.

How is a soul possibly worth so much? Each of those lives has a soul, right? I mean, isn't the pro-life argument that even an unborn fetus has a soul? So, logically, we should all have souls, right? Therefore, every life has a soul. So one life equals one soul, and vice versa. How can one soul be worth billions of what are, essentially, other souls? Ormon doesn't say anything about pure souls, in which case I could argue they're at least more rare. But I'm sure there are more people at least as pure as Simon is (especially with that language he keeps using throughout the series). It is by far the dumbest statement I've ever seen or heard. It was a throwaway line to justify the pointless actions of Ormon, but instead makes them even more ridiculous because it means nothing.

I just can't believe anyone would type those words and say, "Yeah, that's worth publishing in my $5 comic."

HELP ME, CAT.

Soon after this stupidity, Maddie shows up, giving Ormon no time to think about what he just said. She claims he can't have Simon's soul, because, as Simonperior, he can't die. And if he can't die, Ormon can't cash in the soul. As soon as he realizes his mistake, Hell opens up in the middle of New York and demons drag Ormon down, one of whom looks incredibly indifferent about it.

"It doesn't matter. We're all just dust in the end."

Now, I'm going to over-analyze here, again (I know -- big surprise). How do they know for certain Superior can never die? Is it explicitly said in the comics or movies? Because then where's the tension in a story where the hero can't be harmed, let alone killed? Yes, we know the hero always makes it through, but a good story makes us worry for him. If Superior really is immortal, wouldn't Ormon have learned that after he watched the movies back to back?

In fact, back in the first issue we see the latest of these movies. In it, Abraxis claims that Superior is dead and he killed him. He's revealed to be wrong, of course, and Superior claims that "our atmosphere" makes him invincible. But "invincible" and "immortal" are two different things, and one of them still involves the possibility of dying (both, if you're the Highlander). But still, take him out of "our atmosphere" -- like, y'know, when Simonperior flew Sharpraxis into space -- and you have a chance at killing him.

Plus, how did this wish work? Did Simon become Superior based on his idea of the character, or Ormon's? Because Ormon obviously believed he'd die one day, and he's the one holding all the cards. Simon didn't even know all the powers he had at first. Ormon could easily flub the wish and make him mortal. Or he could have, if he didn't spend his remaining wish power dicking around.

Also, did Ormon need that soul right at the stroke of midnight (or whenever his time was up)? Because the way he'd been stating and gloating before, all he needed was a sealed contract by then. I mean, he even states a few pages earlier that he doesn't need to kill Simon. So if Simon doesn't need to be dead by midnight, then the soul doesn't need to be in Ormon's hands by then, either. He just needs the guarantee that the soul will be his upon Simon's passing, however far away that may be. The only evidence he really has that Simonperior will never die ever is the word by two people who don't want to give up Simon's soul. If souls are so damn precious, you'd think Hell would be willing to take the chance that Simonperior, like all living things, will die one day. I mean, Ormon had to assume the kid would have a longer-than-average lifespan when he put his master plan into motion.

Now I know people are going to say I'm being too critical, but you can't base your story in the "real world" (and use that as part of the premise to sell your story) and then expect me to ignore the fact that everything starts to crumble with the slightest application of real world logic. It's the same reason no one lets me talk about Harry Potter with them.

Be reasonable and enjoy stories about a guy running on rooftops dressed like Dracula!

With Ormon now sucked into Hell on an easily-protested technicality, Simon reverts back to his normal self, still in his pajamas. He tells Maddie that "this is exactly what [he] wanted." No, it isn't. I understand what it's going for, but it's not achieving that. Simon doesn't decide to not become Superior because he learns that he's great just the way he is. He remains Simon because he doesn't want to sell his soul. He doesn't learn to make the best of life with MS. He learns that the price for an MS-free life is too high. That's an awful message. It's heartbreaking. I am not saying Simon doesn't have worth as a kid with MS, because he certainly does. But nothing in the story tells him this. There's no uplifting message about life. And since at the beginning of the series he was feeling depressed and, as Ormon tells us, he was desperate, you'd think it would try and put a good message of self-worth. But no, the moral is that you best learn to deal with whatever life gives you, because the price of improvement is too damn high.

In the aftermath, Superior is worshiped as a god, Simon lives life as normal, and Tad Scott makes tons of money off of Superior movies. Maddie doesn't publish her article on Simon, which is apparently the narrations we've been reading (which really bothers me, but now that I'm at the end, I just want to be done). She interrupts her typing to tell us she's taking Simon to the new Superior movie premier (which they made insanely fast, unless she waited several years to start typing and Simon didn't age). There's also a really obnoxious dialogue exchange where one of Simon's friends gawks at Maddie's ass and asks if Simon is "banging that chick", to which his other friend replies, "Totally." Had to throw in one last offense before we were done, eh Marky?

Finally, there's actually a really nice sequence of panels as the filmgoers watch as Superior winks and flies away.

So that's Superior #7. I hate it.

There will be a quiz.

• Superior is a terrible series.
• It doesn't deliver on the promise all of its advertisements made.
• Hell doesn't believe in technicalities, even in its own favor.
• Life will always suck until you're willing to pony up a soul.
• I'm incredibly unfair when it comes to logic in a comic book.
• Mark Millar doesn't understand how math works.

That's all for today. Check in this weekend for my pull list reviews.

And thanks for letting me rant.

Okay, Internet - we need to talk about Superior (or "Why I'm done with Mark Millar's creator-owned works") - Part 3

Continued from Part 2 here

Okay, you guys, so in Superior #7, Simo

To be concluded in Part 3b (for reals this time)...

In the meantime, check out our webcomic, Fusion Comic Friday.

Okay, Internet - we need to talk about Superior (or "Why I'm done with Mark Millar's creator-owned works") - Part 2

Continued from Part 1 here.

So who wants to hear me recap Superior, issue by issue?

Okay, well who wants to see me slowly type my way into madness, and make bets on whether I can make it to my actual breakdown of #7 before I gut myself and eat my own entrails?

 

You are all terrible, terrible people.


Let's begin. Just to let you know, I'm not going to draw anything for a little bit so I can get through these as quickly as possible, and it starts off fairly tame. Stick with it, though. Sh*t gets weird by issue 3, and #6 is where I lose my mind.

#1: So the story begins with our protagonist Simon and his friend Chris watching "Superior 5" in a theater. Superior in this world is a popular fictional superhero much like Superman, but he somehow has a movie franchise popular enough to make at least 5 films with the same lead actor for 25 years (I did not make that ridiculous number up). Upon leaving the theater, the boys are harassed by a bully named Sharpie, who is a cliché in every sense and picks on Simon for having MS. That night, after a completely nonsensical "MAGNIFY" scene that makes no sense once the actual plot is revealed, Simon wakes up to find a monkey in a spacesuit on his bed. Simon swears a bunch and the monkey, named Ormon, gives him a magic wish. Simon then becomes SUPERIOR, WWE belt and all, and promptly yells the F-word. Ormon tells him he'll be back in a week with an explanation. Then Simon-perior wakes up to learn he's been missing for a day, then flies to Chris's house to swear some more.


#2: We open with Chris screaming the F-word. Neat. Simon-perior has to convince Chris he's not a pedophile (yes, really), and since Mark Millar couldn't think of a good reason why a kid would believe some dude dressed like a wrestler in gloves and a cape is really his magic-wish-enhanced best friend, he just skips that part. Seriously, the narrator basically just says, "I don't know what convinced him, but I guess he just accepted it so the plot could move forward." And move forward it does, after we take some time to watch Simon-perior learn his new powers. I won't lie, this is actually fairly well-done, as Millar splices his super-training with flashbacks to him learning to adapt to his disability through MS.  It would actually warm my cold, black heart...if it weren't for the constant swearing. There's even a nice reference to the original Superman when Simon-perior admits that he got to Chris's house by jumping rather than flying that is promptly ruined by Simon's first word's after levitation being, "Holy sh*t!" He then repeats that two more times with an "oh, Jesus!" thrown in for good measure. When Simon finally does gain his composure in the air, we begin to drift back to the heartwarming feeling as the narrator tells us the thing Simon enjoyed most about being Superior was not the powers, but being able to wiggle his toes. Then Simon-perior finds a damaged space station and ends the issue with "What...the...F***?" Classy.

 #3: So Simon-perior (man, is that as obnoxious to read as it is to type? Actually, I don't care. It's too late to turn back now) saves the crashing space station. We also, almost halfway through the series, finally meet the narrator, and I have no idea what her point is in that role. She's a reporter named Maddy and basically exists to tell us either what Simon was thinking or exposition about events from a future perspective. Why is she such a problem? Well, we'll hit that in issue 7. So we watch Simon-perior stop several disasters, and Maddie explains that he moves so quickly that for a while no one knew what was saving them. He's finally seen when he drags a submarine onto a beach. Right before this are two panels that are hilarious to me. The first is a large beach page, filled with several cheesecake shots of women standing in ridiculous underwear model poses, but in the middle there's this huge fat lady in water wings just standing there. And I don't mean she's just somewhere hidden in the scene. She's standing there, facing the reader, not doing anything, arms at her sides. It's followed two panels later by a panel of a wrinkly old man rubbing lotion on his wrinkly old wife's back. I don't know if it was in Millar's script or not, but I like to imagine Millar asked for a whole bunch of sexy women on this beach and Leinil Yu felt ashamed and threw those in to make us all feel dirty.
Then comes the sequence that made me realize this book was spiraling out of control. Simon-perior is chillaxing in Chris's room and tells him his theory that Ormon was an angel because he prayed to be cured of MS and his mom prayed that "America would get fixed". Okay, I don't know why he decided the best way to do this was to pose as a space monkey, but sure. Then we move outside to see Ormon perched on a rooftop as he tells us he's a demon. Complete with black eyes and way too many teeth. I showed this page to everyone. It was too ridiculous not to share. Now, at the time, Superior had just been picked up for a movie. I was certain that Millar wrote this cliffhanger and laughed as the movie struggled to adapt this ridiculous turn of events.

#4: First off, this is such an obnoxious cheesecake cover. Inside, we see that Tad Scott, who has played Superior in the movies for twenty-five years, is dealing with the media attention he's had since Simon-perior showed up. We also stop in at Simon's house for a page to see his parents get informed bluntly that the cops think Simon's being molested because, oh yeah, that's a plot point that we'll see again (no we won't). Then Maddie drives her car off a dock to get Simon-perior's attention because she's a tough-as-nails reporter, god damn it. Then two seconds in she loses her sh*t and starts screaming. Also, her license plate says "KICK-ASS", which is annoying. Anyway, Simon-perior saves her and she repays him by promptly barfing at his feet and then telling him he got punk'd into an interview. She proceeds to learn absolutely nothing from him and then he flies away. Then she tells us the history of the fictional character from the comics and movies and throws in a line about his powers so Millar can point to it at the end and say, "See? I planned it all along!" Then we see Chris get beat up Sharpie and his stereotypical bully cliché clones. Remember Sharpie, who appeared in like 2 pages at the beginning of issue 1? We'll he's about to become "relevant" to the plot, so he's back, three issues later. Simon-perior finds out about this and threatens Sharpie to leave  Chris alone. Then he goes to see the President, so that we can finally lead into the story that was advertised in the teasers.
At the issues conclusion, we hit an even more ridiculous cliffhanger than last. Sharpie throws a tantrum, repeating "F*** this guy" over and over, when Ormon shows up and says the goofiest thing ever. I'm just going to quote it (emphasis is from the issue): "I can give you anything you want...as long as you pay homage to my  dark and eternal master." When Sharpie says he doesn't understand, we get a full page of Orman in his face saying (again, real quotes): "Just say you love Satan."
Utter. Insanity.

The series went on hiatus for a brief while here, with something like a 9-month break before #5 hit. Part of me hoped it wouldn't. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to have nice things. That's why Batman: Brave and the Bold got canceled.

I wept like a baby during the finale.

#5: I've already briefly brought up this issue and how it is the only issue that really deals with the originally advertised premise. This issue also had a plot summary to refresh your memory from the hiatus and, man, it does not even need my dry sarcasm and bad attitude to sound goofy. Anyway, Simon-perior heads to Afghanistan in a plane. If he flew there himself with his exposition he'd have to carry along a soldier for the exposition. That or the narrator could do her stupid job. Simon-perior manages to drive  Al Qaeda out of Afghanistan and there are a bunch of goofy reaction shots from people in the middle of eating and one dude rubbing his belly. He solves several other crises around the world and then he gets rewarded, because good karma is the payment choice of chumps. There's also a panel of Simon's parents when they see "Superior" high-fiving Chris on TV. This doesn't play into diddly. Then we meet Sharpie's parents, who, fitting with Sharpie's bully stereotype, are terrible lazy assholes. Sharpie also has a poster of the Abraxas, the villain from the Superior movie in #1, in his room, and it is HUGE. It's just a boring picture of Abraxas standing there with a plain white background, and it's several feet taller than Sharpie. If anyone has a poster like that that is not custom-made, I want to see it. Anyway, Simon-perior shows up at Maddie's for a date, showing off his gigantic WWE belt, but while Maddie conveniently leaves to get a coat, Orman shows up. It's been a week and he wants to know if Simon is happy as Superior. When Simon says yes, he turns him back into a kid and teleports him to Hell, demanding his soul while uncomfortably caressing his face.

#6: (I'm breaking this one up into paragraphs, 'cause it is long.) So "Ormon" tells Simon about his ordeal and it. Is. Ridiculous. He's a demon on the bottom of Hell's food chain and he sucks at his job, as he hasn't gathered a soul in 500 years. He decided to give Simon a taste of the good life and then take it away, so he'd be desperate for it back. Not a bad plan. Except he decided to grant, as he puts it, "the most outrageous wish since the dawn of man".

Dude, Ormon. Aren't there some kind of rules or restrictions for wish-granting? I mean, if they could have insane super powers, I think most people would be willing to deal. Hell, you can have my soul right now. I'm writing a blog complaining about comics. I'm certainly not using the damn thing. He complains people are too worried about damnation nowadays, but really? I think people are far less worried about that now than they ever were. Just find the guy who gave this series the green flag.

There's also a part where the other demons, that look like dinosaurs with skull-heads, tell him to show his true form, but Ormon says he gains nothing by frightening Simon. Dude, you dragged the kid to Hell and then stood on top of his chest with glowing red eyes, demanding his soul. If a monkey did that to me, I'd sh*t my pants - goofy spacesuit or not.

Ormon then sends Simon back to Maddie's apartment, just as she walks in with her coat. No explanation for why when he's in Hell long enough to make a wordless wish and leave, a day passed in real time, but when Ormon dances on his chest and tells him his life story like a Bond villain, he's back on Earth two seconds later. So Maddie walks in on Simon appearing in a flash of light, and it takes her a ridiculously long time to realize he was Superior. It's only two pages, but this woman is supposed to be a talented investigative reporter. If Superior disappears in a flash of light and is replaced by a kid shouting, "You're not supposed to see me like this!", I think you should be able to put two and two together without chasing the kid with crutches down the hall, shouting "Where's Superior?"

So after she draws up a flowchart and consults some of her peers, she realizes this kid must be Superior and makes him some pancakes. Simon tells her his story and everything is told to us through her weird narrations, which had been absent for a while. She suddenly realizes they have a "connection" when she watches him pee. So she takes him to a hospice and tells him how she used to have leukemia, but she gained a desire to be a writer, teaching Simon a lesson about not selling your soul so you can drive your car off a dock for the "big scoop" one day. Then Simon goes back home, where his mom answers the door. But that whole subplot about him maybe being kidnapped? Ignored. We don't even get to hear how he explains it. She just hugs him and then the plot moves on.

Maddie also tells her boss that Superior left the planet. Chris finds out when this shows up in the newspaper, and runs to Simon's house. Simon apparently was too busy convincing his parents off-panel that some creepy dude wasn't diddling for a week to call him. "Mom, for the last time: I can't show you on the doll where the bad man touched me because I was a superhero! There was a deal with a demon space monkey and everything!"

Okay, so then we go back to Sharpieland, where Sharpie and Ormon (still a space monkey) are chillaxin' and watching the Superior movies. We learn Ormon chose the monkey form from a space monkey named Ormon in the third Superior movie.

Wait, what? You're telling me you picked a form from one of the Superior movies to appeal to Simon? I'm assuming since he apparently loves Superior? But he didn't recognize it? I mean, I don't memorize every character that passes across the screen in a movie I enjoy (although with how many times I've seen The Iron Giant, I probably could), but I'm pretty sure a monkey in a space suit would be something I'd remember. Especially when he has several speaking lines and appears to be mildly important to the plot (his planet was destroyed by the same creature as Superior's).

Oh also, Sharpie thinks the Superior movies are "totally lame", yet has a gigantic custom-made poster of the villain hanging in his room. I bet he's a closet brony, too.

I mean, I have a poster that big of Pinky Pie, but at least there's a rainbow in the background.

Then demon Ormon offers Sharpie a wish for free, since giving him this wish will ensure Simon's (who he keeps referring to as Superior as if he's a real person - it's weird, is what I'm saying) soul. This stupid, stupid logic will come into play later.
Oh, and they killed Sharpie's parents and hung them on the wall in their undies like a cross. 'Cause they're EVILLL.

So what's this deal? Sharpie gets to become Abraxas (Sharp-raxis?) and goes on a murder spree until Simon takes the deal for his soul. Cliffhanger!

Oh man, you guys. Now we get to talk about the final, double-sized issue. And guys? It is nuts. I have never yelled at a comic more in my life. I couldn't form sentences for a solid hour after I read it. I tried to order at the drive-thru at Burger King on my way home from the comic shop and started foaming at the mouth and passed out on the horn.

So anyway, Superior #7 - here we g

 

Continue to Part 3.

Okay, Internet - we need to talk about Superior (or "Why I'm done with Mark Millar's creator-owned works") - Part 1

Disclaimer: I'm going to do my best to stay on topic here, but this is basically a rant and I'm kind of known for rambling. I'm also pretty much winging it and typing whatever comes to mind. I can't guarantee structure, but I'll do my best to stay on topic. I make no promises, though. As Seth said, "WERE ON A INTERNET, NOT IN SCHOOL".

Those of you who know me (who, let's be honest here, are really the only people reading this. I'm not ignorant to the fact that this sporadically-updated blog only has two followers, one of whom is my best friend and the other is his former roommate) know that I am not a fan of Mark Millar. I have nothing against him personally (he seems like a friendly guy and all), but I've read a great number of his works and have come to the conclusion that he's just not a very good writer.

What he is, though, is a good idea man. The guy knows how to come up with a fun-sounding concept and, better yet, he knows how to sell it. And I don't just mean to movie producers (the argument that his comics now read as little more than glorified storyboards is something else entirely - although not untrue). He knows how to sell his ideas to us, as readers. Millar's recent creator-owned projects are never something I just stumble across in the shop. They're things I've had hyped to me for months. And the thing is, I never really know what these books are even about until I've at least read the first issue. All I know is the pitch, which Millar has expertly boiled down to one sentence. Take a look at some examples:

 "What if...
"...supervillains secretly destroyed all the heroes and ran the world?" (Wanted)
"...a normal kid decided to be a vigilante in the real world?" (Kick-Ass)
"...Batman were a supervillain?" (Nemesis)

Regardless of your opinions of the stories they spawned, don't those all sound like fun ideas? Millar sells me all his ideas on one high-concept sentence, something so simple that my brain will be left to fill in all the important details. That's the thing with high-concepts. They sell their story in the form of a question ("What if...?") and your brain provides an answer. That self-provided answer, which may or may not relate with the end-product, is what you're actually buying, not the story itself - at least in the initial stage. It's half of why Lost became so popular.

Now, I have no real problem with high-concept stories. In fact, they can be a lot of fun, and these pitches are a great way to generate hype. My problem is that it has become increasingly apparent to me that Millar waits as long as possible to move past that initial pitch sentence, and often his stories fall apart in the third act, if not sooner, because an adequate story could not be formed to suit his original pitch. In fact, I feel some of his recent stories, such as Nemesis, Kick-Ass, and even parts of The Ultimates, no longer fit the mold crafted in that original concept, often completely defying or (in the case of Kick-Ass) breaking it. Which is strange, since that "what if" question is often fairly broad.

But those are all rants for another day. Today, I want to vent about his most recent endeavor, Superior.

Wait. Hold on.

Sorry 'bout that.

 So anyway, Superior's "What if" suffix goes something like "...Superman attempted to solve all the worlds problems?"  At least, that's how it was advertised. There were several teasers such as those shown here, teasing an end to world suffering through a "hero". In the end, though, only one issue out of the seven (eight, if we want to note that the final was double-sized) really dealt with this at all. Superior #5 (over halfway through the series) had Superior talk to the President to help end the war in Iraq peacefully and then resolve a few other countries' problems. For maybe half the book. The rest dealt with Superior's rewards (Selfless hero? Please.), such as playing guitar with his favorite band and playing basketball. Speaking of basketball, the panel where he slam dunks is ridiculous.

So for a story promoted as "Superman solves real world problems",  Superior really doesn't focus much on that concept. Again, this isn't me saying what would make a better story. This is what it was really promoted as.

So then what is the plot of Superior, you ask?

  

"Disabled kid becomes a superhero through a magic wish from a space monkey," I reply.

Alright, admittedly, anything can sound stupid when you distill it to just a few words like that (I am the guy writing stories about a mummified cowboy and his one-eyed horse). And there's a really neat idea in there...y'know, when you take out that ridiculous monkey bit. The kid, Simon, is basically like Captain Marvel of Shazam!, as opposed to Superman. Only with more swearing.

  Just wait. This joke is going to be really clever in a minute.

  

It gives an interesting explanation for why this hero even thinks he can solve all the world's problems. Of course a kid would think he could just end all wars if he had superpowers (though if he got them, he'd probably just use them to goof off). They're young and idealistic and haven't yet been jaded by the cruel unforgiving world that doesn't appreciate their genius or laugh at their hilarious jokes and ex-girlfriends who didn't know how good they had it when I folded A THOUSAND PAPER CRANES FOR YOU AND--

Sorry 'bout that.

Even Simon, who has become crippled after developing Multiple Sclerosis, still has this young optimism to him. We hear that he's run away before, but it's implied that it happened when he was first afflicted. While he certainly doesn't enjoy the disease, he seems to have come to terms with making the best of it. So when he gains the powers of the hero Superior, he sees it as a chance to do more.

Like I said, there's a great story in there. A boy with a crippling and life-changing disease gains the ability to overcome it and aid those in need, proving he's not useless like he and others thought? Sounds heartfelt and inspiring, sign me up. So why am I not on board with Superior? Well, it's not about a kid with MS overcoming his disabilities. It's about a kid with MS becoming someone else.

Simon doesn't overcome MS because he stops having MS. And he's not "cured", he just transforms into someone else, who is essentially not Simon, that doesn't have the disease. It goes back to the argument recently about Barbara Gordon gaining the ability to walk again for the New 52. Granted, there's more to her story, but basically, Barbara was crippled and decided that losing the use of her legs wouldn't keep her from being a hero, leading to her transformation into the wheelchair-bound Oracle. She proved that she could overcome her disabilities and still be a hero through determination. And because of this, she became a hero for many with disabilities to idolize.

Mark Millar has done a lot of promoting through the book to raise awareness for those with MS and that is great. It's really excellent and I am in no way trying to take away from any of the good it does. But Superior isn't really a hero for those with MS any more than Superman or any other hero, because he is a concept built on just wishing your problems away. That's what comic book super heroes were designed to do in the first place. Any hero could have fit the bill. But if you want a hero to show you that you can achieve great things with the handicaps you have, you're forced to look elsewhere. That's why so many were upset with the retcon to Barbara Gordon.

Let me try to put it a way as best comparable to those without disabilities. Of all the popular comic book heroes, who is the best wish-fulfillment character for the average joe?

That's right. It's Batman. And why? Because, at his core, he is an attainable goal. Negate the wealth (which is still technically achievable) and he's just a guy that trained and studied really hard (like a "Boss", if you will). There's even a handbook out there with tips on how to do much of what the Dark Knight does. It's why the recent Christopher Nolan films are so successful. They get us to believe that Batman could be a real, straight-crazy dude in a cape. Exercise, study hard, and eat your veggies and you too can be a vigilante. Sort of. It's not perfect, but you see what I--

Wait. No. Don't shut up, Batman. This got even better. Because if not you, then the best candidate for the average (male) joe achievable fantasy is...

Ted Kord, the former Blue Beetle.

All the same qualities as Batman, but no ruined childhood, plus the best costume in comic book history. There's a magic scarab mildly involved, but he never got it to work for him. And sure he has an evil uncle. And his best friend's from the future. And I guess he was dead and now no longer exists in the nDCU. And I did say "popular" before...

Oh please, guys, just let me have this.

Now, I feel I should address that the argument could be made that Daredevil falls into the same category as Superior, since he has powers to aid him and becoming like him is therefore an unattainable goal for blind readers. But Matt is still blind, and of the few Daredevil stories I've read, the best deal with his blindness and how it still affects him. He still has that disability to relate to, at least. The most Superior does is, when he first gains his powers, reflect on how he used to be with MS and how better he is now. And that's my other problem with Superior.

He's better than you.

"Superior". It's the statement made in his name. While the character of Simon as Superior never really reaches any level of arrogance, the idea of this character and his story is based on him being better than us. Not even just those with MS, but everyone. Superior is superior to man in every way. He's powerful, he's handsome, he's kind, and we need him to save us.

We're shown that many of the world's problems can only be solved once Superior decides to intervene. Even if we could have done it on our own, Superior does it better. At the end of the series people are essentially worshiping the guy. It's exactly why DC doesn't publish stories where Superman does the same thing (or why the one time they tried it failed). You let this character (superpowers aside) show us that he can do what we failed at and, consciously or not, he begins to belittle us. It's intimidating, knowing that these problems apparently could have been solved, but we just weren't good enough.

Now, I'm not saying those with MS can't or shouldn't like Superior (at least no more than they should like anything else I don't like). But why him? Why someone whose story is essentially about being better than you? Why not someone who can make you feel empowered by being who you are? Do you really need that connection with the character who shares your exact disease? Because, like I said, Simon has multiple sclerosis. Not Superior. And if you're relating with Simon, then you're relating to someone who can just make their problems go away with a magic wish, rather than dealing with them. And it's not like he learns a moral about accepting who you are because you're great as you are. The moral of Superior is that you have to deal with your horrible disease because the price for life without MS is too high.

Because that magic wish was from an evil demon who wants your soul.

Sorry, did I not mention that part? Well, at least that Shazam/Satan joke makes sense now.

Yeah, that magic wish that Simon made was actually unwittingly making a deal with a demon.

But I'm kind of getting ahead of myself a bit. See, this whole article was supposed to just be me complaining about why Superior #7 was so bad, but my rambling style of complaining caused me to go off on a few tangents. Now, I'm finally reaching the point where I can get into #7 and why it was a terrible ending for an already unbearably bad series.

But first, if you'll allow one more delay, it's probably best that I summarize the story up to this point. I reread the entire series before working on this post. On about issue 4 I blacked out and woke up naked with a knife in my hand and someone else's blood on my chest, so forgive me while I take a breather and continue this tomorrow with PART 2.

Continue to Part 2