Comic Reviews - February 16, 2012

I have a feeling that other post I started writing is never going to get finished.

Anyway:

4.1/5.1 weird numberings

Amazing Spider-Man #679.1 - (4/5)
Writers - Dan Slott & Chris Yost
Artist - Matthew Clark
I don't quite understand Marvel's ".1" issues. While I think the idea of a one-shot issue designed to be a starting point for new readers is a solid one, I don't think adding another number - especially a decimal point - is going to help. If anything, it just makes it more intimidating. I don't see why we couldn't just have Annuals for every title that can do the same thing. Just plaster "Great Starting Point for Blah Blah Blah" on the cover and you're good to go. Aside from the wonky numbering, though, this issue isn't half bad. It reads like a standard issue of the ongoing series, but does a good enough job of familiarizing new readers with the characters and stories without forcing current fans like me to sit through an issue of careful handholding. In that sense, it actually moves the ongoing story forward, revealing new information about a mysterious "recurring" character and ending on a note allowing it to sync up with the upcoming feature film (I honestly should have seen it coming). The art is adequate, though nothing special, and there is one panel where Peter looks like he belongs on the Lollipop Guild basketball team.  There also feels like there's a lot more going on in here than there really is. I was surprised to learn that this was only $2.99, as I felt that I had read a much bigger $4 comic. With comics these days often feeling too brief, that's a good sign. 

2/5 wrestling moves on robots

The Avengers #22 - (2/5)
Writer - Brian Michael Bendis
Artist - Renato Guedes
Why is Norman Osborn back? Didn't we already go through all of this like two or three years ago? Why is Red Hulk on the team? Why is Red Hulk still even around? Why does no one see Osborn as a villain when he Zangiefs the Vision through a door? Why does nothing even remotely resembling the cover occur in the book? Why did last issue's cover feature Storm while she only appeared in a total of four panels, one of which she was drooling in? Why haven't I dropped this book yet? Nothing happens in here that isn't infinitely stupid. It gets a pity point because the idea isn't bad, its just not relevant or well thought out.

3/5 Tommy Lee Osborns

The New Avengers #21 - (3/5)
Writer - Brian Michael Bendis
Artist - Mike Deodato
I went into this issue with a bad attitude, having read Avengers Main first. It didn't help that, during the completely nonsensical riot at the Avengers Mansion, some asshole threw a bottle at Jessica's head while she's carrying her baby. Who does that? No one. It's something that's so over the top that, despite the protesters (and even Osborn) having an arguable point, it all gets thrown out the window. Then Squirrel Girl (Who is, according to the recap page, a teenager? What? Didn't she sleep with Wolverine?) has tree rodents attack everyone. I was all set to hate this issue, and not even Spider-Man spouting some fun lines (which Bendis is good at, even though every member of the team talks the same) while saving several team members could save it. But Spider-Man fighting fake-Thor by web-slinging Iron Fist at him? Congratulations, stapled stack of paper. You earned your $3.

5/5 Godzilla Batmans

Batman #6 - (5/5)
Writer - Scott Snyder
Artist - Greg Capullo
First off, I want to note that my friend hated last issue because "Batman wandering through a maze all issue" was "boring". I'll let that sink in.
Anyway, Snyder continues to craft a very fun and engaging story, finally leading itself into the "Night of the Owls" crossover. We get to see more of the Court of Owls and learn that they have far more than just one assassin in its employ. I was indifferent to Capullo when he began drawing this book, but these issues of Batman in the labyrinth are where he really shines. His more stylistic drawings really lend themselves to Batman's hallucinations. Bat's one exposed eye still stands out as weird to me, but the panels focused on them help remind you that he is suffering the effects of hallucinogens. And the shifts between his visions of the Court as humanoid owls and the reality of them as just people in masks are really well done. Props to FCD, as the colors are also really nicely done, especially with the lighting and the panels that take place in all-white rooms. Snyder continues to write the best Bat-book since Morrison left, making the wait for his return in Batman, Inc. a little easier. 

5/5 waltzes with a corpse

Daredevil #9 - (5/5)
Writer - Mark Waid
Artist - Paolo Rivera
Daredevil continues to be one of the best books on the stands. The story and artwork are both topnotch and work together so well in a way rarely seen. Waid and Rivera continue to use Daredevil's powers in a way that's both interesting visually and to the story, knocking out two of his senses from loud rushing water and the overpowering stench of corpses. There's a really neat two-panel sequence where we first see Daredevil's "vision", where his echolocation shows him that he's traveling a river through a cave. It's then followed by a panel of what we can see, and the walls of the "cave" are actually beasts crouching still along the river. The moment that really stood out to me, however, was a simple ten-panel page where Black Cat has second thoughts about stealing something from Matt. It's mostly from one flat angle and shows nothing more than her hands and three flashbacks, but it's expertly paced and tells you everything you need to know in one page. It is extremely well-done, much like every issue of the series so far. I can't wait for #10.

1/5 Two-Faced Guiles

DC Universe Presents: Challengers of the Unknown #6 (1/5)
Writer - Dan Didio
Artist - Jerry Ordway
I really was looking forward to this. I love the idea behind DCU Presents, letting lesser-known characters that may not be able to sustain their own series get a chance to shine. And the Challengers of the Unknown where characters I've always been mildly interested in, ever since I read Challengers of the Fantastic from the phony Amalgam line when I was a kid. But, man...was this a bad way to introduce the characters. The idea updating the story (making them a cast from an ill-defined reality show) is interesting, but cliché. There are a total of nine characters, which I found odd, since I understood the original team to be somewhere between four and six. Most of them are stereotypes or don't really do anything at all. One women exists to talk about her boobs for two panels and never speaks again. One is just the "token black guy" who has a broken arm at the start so we can see that the mystical land of Nanda Parbat healed him, even though they don't stay there, it's noted in one throwaway line, and it doesn't factor into sh*t. Even the artist can't keep track of the cast, as some of them switch clothes or disappear between panels. The plot makes no sense, the dialogue is wordy and expository, and the pacing is absolutely terrible. I've no idea what happened, who the Challengers are, or why I should care. The art isn't much better. It's not bad, but it's mediocre and just sits as "standard comic book art", and is really hurt by the much nicer cover by Ryan Sook. As someone who is normally pretty forgiving on first issues, this was one of the rare times I was 100% certain I wouldn't be around for part two.

3/5 creeps loving the tentacle fight at the beginning

Wonder Woman #6 - (3/5)
Writer - Brain Azzarello
Artist - Tony Akins
I just don't know where I stand with Wonder Woman. It's a book that, at the start of the New 52, I really wanted to like. I just don't know where it's going. I don't really understand what's happening. I have no idea who this Lennox dude from last issue is or what he wants. There are things about the book that I like and still find intriguing. The mythology, when I can follow it, is fun. Hermes is so silly in that hat and wraparound sunglasses that I just want to give him an ongoing title. But when it comes down to it, I've been telling myself to drop titles I'm not loving, and this and Avengers certainly fall into that category. I hate leaving mid-story, though, so if it happens to come out on a small week (which it didn't this month), I may still grab it. Otherwise, I need to let it go. Colors sure are pretty, though. Props to Matthew Wilson.


Anyway, I'm out. I missed last week's reviews due to a busy weekend, so I'll just update them to this post if I find the time. Otherwise, I should have something in addition to reviews next week.

Be...excellent...to each other.

Valentine's Day (or "The closest thing I have to a girlfriend has four legs and whiskers")

So I was working on another post last week, but got sidetracked when I went to Columbus for a "cheese party" at Seth's.

He said to bring an interesting cheese and I brought this. Because I'm scum.

I also spent the entire weekend sick, waking up one morning so miserable that I considered shoving my head in the toilet and trying to drown myself. The only reason I'm still here is because I was in too much pain to drag myself to the bathroom and accept the sweet release of death.

I was about to finish my old post today when I realized it's Valentine's Day. A day that always seems to fill me with malice. I haven't been in a relationship around the "holiday" for a while now, so a day that's already irrelevant and silly even with a proper Valentine is even worse when you're alone. I get belligerent towards people that seem happier than me.

Stop having things I want, crudely-drawn people!

It doesn't exactly help that many of my past relationships haven't ended well. My dad liked to describe me as a "crazy magnet" (because a guy who types out his fury about comics to the internet is completely sane).

"You think she puts out?"

I mean, it's obviously not my own fault. Women love abrasive and stubborn men with poor social skills, strong opinions on Spider-Man and Scrooge McDuck, and a bad habit of laughing hysterically in public.

And honestly, I'm so damn cynical now because, at my core, I'm a discouraged and frustrated romantic. The kind of drawings I do this blog actually came originally from comics I used to constantly draw for an ex-girlfriend. I'm even a guy that once folded a thousand cranes for a girl. At about fifty a day, it took over two weeks.

Still, though...not the crazy one.

So, yeah. Valentine's Day puts me in a rotten mood, especially a V-Day when I decide I want to make waffles for breakfast and learn with two ingredients in a bowl that I'm out of ****ing milk. And like I've done with other things that soured my disposition, I decided the best way to deal with it was to tell the internet my opinion.

I turned to the internet when my cat began charging too much.

There's not really much I can say that hasn't been said already.

Hearts don't look at all like the shape of those cards.

I will admit, that does look more difficult to cut out of paper.

Cupid is creepy. People blame things like videogames and television for violence in children, yet we take a day out of the year to celebrate a holiday featuring a half-naked flying fat baby brandishing a deadly weapon.

Then again, the diaper isn't much worse than the sleeveless

leather vests and sunglasses of these two yahoos.

Anyway, I need to stop talking about this stupid day and find something to distract myself before I make myself sick on candy that tastes like chalk.

Before I go, though...here, I made a Valentine for you:

I should have a real post this weekend.

It's not weird I'm spending Valentine's Day watching tv with my cat, right?

Comic Reviews - February 1, 2012

I'm trying to keep myself focused on updating often, so I'm planning on weekly reviews of comics and anything else I may find noteworthy. I'm also hoping to have bi-weekly (or maybe weekly, if I find the time and subjects to write) rants or humor articles. We'll see how long before I abandon it all again.

Anyway, reviews:

3/5 Purple Brain Squids

Action Comics #6 - (3/5)
Writer - Grant Morrison & Sholly Fisch (back-up)
Artist - Andy Kubert & Chriscross (back-up)

I'm reading this series on a lot of faith. If it weren't Grant Morrison, I would have dropped the title by now. I have to believe that this is something I can come to appreciate once the larger picture of the series comes into focus. I still can't understand why this two-part story even happened, especially right after the Brainiac cliffhanger from #4. Did Rags not have enough time to finish his art? Andy Kubert's art here is...distinctively Kubert. There are some nice sequences, but there are also a lot of really lazy faces and panels. He's certainly not giving it his A-game. The story is certainly Morisson-y, but confusing. And I still believe he needs a few more pages, as everything feels kind of condensed. It's obnoxious that DC prices this at $3.99, knowing that people will pay that much for Morrison's name, but limit him to 20 pages and gives us a pointless back-up instead. The back-up isn't good or bad, but it's not worth that extra dollar on the cover. Either give Morrison more pages or cut the price. "Drawing the Line at 2.99...Until We're Confident You'll Pony Up the Cash For Popular Titles."

5/5 Fun Experiments

Animal Man #6 - (5/5)
Writer - Jeff Lemire
Artist - John Paul Leon & Travel Foreman

My opinion actually differs from my friend, Seth (whose blog can be found here), on this book and Swamp Thing. He felt this issue was a stall, where I took it as a fun play with the format, as well as a "breather" of sorts. Last issue pretty much ended the current arc, and while comics work their way into the "six issues per trade" format, decided that rather than stretch what happened last issue into this one, we get a stand alone issue that still ties in, but lets us breathe. It's a method I really enjoy that I've seen recently in The Unwritten and Lucifer. While the issue doesn't really tell us anything we didn't already know, it acts like a mission statement for the series. The art by Leon is also really slick, with some great cinematic panel layouts. It's also a nice visual contrast to Foreman's work in the story proper. Plus, I love that cover. The story was just a lot of fun for fun's sake. There aren't enough comics like that anymore.
 

3/5 omg, Blood, you guys.

Dark Horse Presents #8 - (3/5)
Writer: Various
Artist: Various

DHP is a weird book to review. As an anthology, one issue could feature some really strong stories, while another can be mediocre. It doesn't help that this issue was missing my two favorite stories, Finder and Resident Alien. Instead we get several forgettable new stories, I'll try to say a few words on each. It opens with a B.P.R.D. tale by Mignola and Arcudi, which was obviously a Mignola script (that's a good thing). However, it's a post-Hellboy story, and I'm not that far in the series, so I couldn't get a lot out of it. Howard Chaykin's Marked Man thankfully reaches its conclusion, where everything is "explained" with a throwaway line about MLK's assassination. Neal Adam's Blood continues to be utterly ridiculous, and this chapter's dialogue is the worst I've ever seen. People basically just recite panel descriptions to each other. Blood is a trainwreck that I kind of look forward to every issue (Seth suggested I should review it like I did Superior. Maybe). Brian Wood's The Massive: North Sea - 1995, aside from having a long title, couldn't retain my interest. It was something I immediately forgot about once it was done. Concrete Park is on its second chapter and I still can't figure out what it's about. Time to Live started as an interesting time travel story, until you reach the "shocking" ending, whereupon it falls apart by simple logic. It was obviously thought twist-first, and then a story was built up to try and lead into it, but it doesn't work. The Many Murders of Miss Cranbourne was...weird. I enjoyed it, overall, but I couldn't figure out what to take from it. I'm not sure how long the "little old lady is a righteous murderer" can go, but I'm interested in chapter 2. Skultar was also weird for me. When I read the first chapter last month, I had trouble believing it could sustain itself past that. This month, I learned I was mostly correct, but I still did chuckle at a few gags. It's still too self-aware and strange, but I won't deny a part of me enjoys it. The Once and Future Tarzan was fun, with some nicely suited artwork. I couldn't tell if this is a Tarzan homage, or if it's supposed to be a post-apocalyptic reinterpretation, but I'm intrigued for more. The highlight of the issue, and possibly the anthology series thus far, was Evan Dorkin and Jill Thompson's Beasts of Burden. I love this series, and this chapter probably sums it up best. Beautiful artwork with a haunting story and a chilling final page. It's not just a good story, but the best ghost story I've seen in a long while.
 

3/5 Pointless Anecdotes

Swamp Thing #6 - (3/5)
Writer - Scott Snyder
Artist - Marco Rudy

Differing with Seth again, I wasn't feeling this issue again. First, the art was off, but I didn't realize at first it wasn't Paquette. Layouts, like previous issues, are a poor man's J. H. Williams, and way too heavy on the black borders and shadows. Unlike Animal Man, this felt like a stall issue, as last issue felt like the end of the arc, leading into the next. Only one real event occurred here, but it was stretched over the course of the issue. Plus - and I'm sure I'll say this two to three times a month - I can't stand Snyder's anecdotes. They're a fine writing tool, but he puts one in almost every issue of every series he does. They've become a crutch. This one barely has to do with the story, as it starts off as a random metaphor, but then that's abandoned to suddenly become literal. People do not talk like this. It's tied with young Bruce Wayne shooting an owl in his attic as one of Snyder's worst anecdotes. Regardless, I'm still enjoying the series and I'm excited for the next issue.

4/5 Animal/Human Hybrids

Sweet Tooth #30 - (4/5)
Writer - Jeff Lemire
Artist - Jeff Lemire

Sweet Tooth continues to be a fun and engaging series, and each issue ends with me craving the next chapter. However, I'm hoping it's on its way to reaching a conclusion. Lemire has established a goal off in the distance for them to reach, and while it's a bit away, it looks like that's going to be the end. This was reinforced with the three-part story arc from a few issues ago, showing us a possible origin to the plague. This issue is a lot of fun, with some really nicely-paced pages with layouts that increase the tension as you read. Love or hate his distinct artistic style, as a visual storyteller Jeff Lemire is definitely one of the more skilled writer/artists in the business.


That's all for now. I may have something humorous posted next weekend. Otherwise, expect more reviews after Wednesday.

And don't touch my stuff.

Okay, Internet - we need to talk about Superior (or "Why I'm done with Mark Millar's creator-owned works") - Part 3b

Start where I was actually trying to make a point in Part 1 here.

Continued from a false Part 3 here

I've been distracted the past week and using that as an excuse to put this off, but I may as well bite the bullet and get this over with.

 

Previously, in an increasingly stupid Superior...
So when we last left this book and tried incredibly hard to forget it through both alcohol and blunt force trauma, the space monkey demon Ormon wants disabled Simon's soul. In return, he'll turn Simon into the superhero Superior. When Simon refuses, Ormon turns the bully Sharpie into a supervillain for free because he's an idiot. Sharpie appears on TV as Abraxas, hoping to draw Simon out by causing mayhem.

Now that we're up to speed -- Superior #7...

So we open with what looks like an army-escorted evacuation of Simon's neighborhood. Simon is questioned by his father when he starts heading in the opposite direction, and Simon snarks back, "Where does it look like?" like a snot. Also, do Simon's parents know he's Superior? We never really saw any of their interaction once he got home, as the whole "Simon was kidnapped" subplot pretty much wasn't. It's mentioned maybe three times throughout the series like Millar realized, "Oh yeah, his parents probably care that their kid's been missing for a week."

"I thought groceries were cheaper this week."

Cut to Ormon, who announces that Simon's taken the deal. He then pats himself on the back for finally purchasing a soul after 500 years. Now here's a question: What is a soul? What are they used for? Why does Satan need them? Are they currency? A source of power?

This is important to the logic of the story. Ormon is displaying a great deal of power here. He's granting not one, but two, of the most insane wishes of all time in exchange for one measly soul. Ormon himself admits to Simon that this is the most elaborate wish since the dawn of man, and he goes ahead and grants it again for Sharpie, only this time for free. In fact, Sharpie seems more likely to give up his soul without more incentive than Simon.

So what's worth all of this pizazz? If souls are a power source, then let's say one soul is worth two extravagant wishes. If they're worth more, then more wishes like Simon's would easily be granted. There has to be a reason for the restrictions. If they're power, then Ormon's sure burning a lot of it to possibly break even. And if souls and wish power don't correlate, then I'm sure more demons would be willing to grant larger wishes if it's more likely guaranteeing them a soul. Ormon can't be the only desperate demon here. And the soul is apparently going straight to Satan. So does Ormon have this power on loan? He's going to have a hard time paying that back.

If souls are a currency in Hell, then this isn't a bad advertisement for Demon Deals Inc., but he's also running the risk of flooding the market. If he only needs one soul every 500 years, then it's safe to assume they're a rarity. And if everyone is offering up their soul for the powers of a god, then pretty soon their value plummets dramatically. It'll be like the post-90s with comics, with a bunch of demons sitting around with soul dollar bins.

Several just handed their soul over for more pouches.

Not to mention that after sealing the deal and having nothing more to gain, Ormon allows (and later joins with) Sharpraxis to continue killing random people.

You know, all those potential future clients. I'm pretty Satan won't be happy either way.

A thousand Ormons with a thousand typewriters couldn't even produce a chapter of Twilight.

Anyway, the most obvious pointless fakeout wastes three pages when Tad Scott, who plays Superior in the movies, shows up to stop Sharpraxis. No one even falls for it, so I have no idea why it occured. Tad's barely even a minor character in the book, working out much like Simon's parents as another "oh, I guess this should be addressed" plot point.

Simon-perior appears just in time to stop Sharpraxis from killing Tad. He also keeps the book's classy tone by telling the villain to "eat s***, Sharpie."

The two fight and Simonperior is obviously winning, until Ormon announces that he turned himself into "The Annihilator. From Superiors Two and Five." Because he's an idiot. Like I said, he's just burning power right now, because he rented three-wishes-worth of magic for a week and he's going to use it, god damn it! Also, why does he feel the need to announce what movies this character is from? It's so goofy to me. It's like instead of collecting souls, he just sat around in Hell watching a 500-year marathon of Superior movies.

Don't judge. This is totally you.

What follows are way too many pages of a long fight scene between Simonperior, Sharpraxis, and ....Ormonilator? I don't know. I dug my own grave when I started this name thing. I'm going to stop now.

So Simon and Sharpie fight, and then Sharpie threatens to kill Simon's mom in front of him. This leads Simon to explode Sharpie's head somehow because he "shouldn't have mentioned [his] mom, dickhead." Upon seeing this, some random guy in the background yells, "Get ready for the final smackdown, bitch!" and it is so awkward to me. Hey, idiot. Run for your life. Don't taunt the super powers.

He then of course gets vaporized by Ormon.

Real burns for the sick burn.

I'd like to again point out that Ormon has no reason to do any of this. He has what he wanted. He and Sharpie trade stereotypical comic villain dialogue as they form a plan to split up and destroy a power station as well as East Village, and I don't know why. Ormon gains nothing from this, and, like I said before, it most likely will cause him more problems than anything. I just can't get into a story when I don't understand character motivations. Is it to mess with Simon? Is Ormon really so petty? The story that advertised itself as a new take on the superhero story has now become the embodiment of every bad stereotype found in superhero stories. I can't really say any more than it just doesn't make any sense. It's action for action's sake.

But I digress. Simon flies Sharpie into space and punches his face in, then slams his body into Ormon. But right before this Ormon declares, "Nothing on God's good Earth is going to stop me doing what I've got planned." What does he have planned? He already did what he planned. He has nothing more to gain and everything to lose.

What's more insane is that on the following page, Ormon proceeds to say everything I just said. He's already won. It's "five to midnight" (Whether that's literal or a reference to the Doomsday Clock, I don't care. He needed the soul by that night and it's the middle of the goddamn day. Look at the f***ing sky) and he has that soul. He can't lose.

Also, the body of the Annihilator is in pieces everywhere, so apparently he drove it like a mech, rather than turned himself into it. That's just a funny image to me.

Also hilarious? "Monkey cockpit".

Then Ormon proceeds to expound upon us the most ridiculous logic I've ever heard in any media ever. Remember my question about the soul? Ormon tries to answer it and fails horribly. According to the demon space monkey: "A human soul is the most precious thing in the universe. It's worth a billion lives. A hundred billion lives."

Let's go over that again:

"A human soul is the most precious thing in the universe. It's worth a billion lives. A hundred billion lives."

And one last time:

"A human soul is...worth a billion lives. A hundred billion lives."

I'm sorry...what?

It's true. Cats are ignorant when it comes to arithmetic.

How is a soul possibly worth so much? Each of those lives has a soul, right? I mean, isn't the pro-life argument that even an unborn fetus has a soul? So, logically, we should all have souls, right? Therefore, every life has a soul. So one life equals one soul, and vice versa. How can one soul be worth billions of what are, essentially, other souls? Ormon doesn't say anything about pure souls, in which case I could argue they're at least more rare. But I'm sure there are more people at least as pure as Simon is (especially with that language he keeps using throughout the series). It is by far the dumbest statement I've ever seen or heard. It was a throwaway line to justify the pointless actions of Ormon, but instead makes them even more ridiculous because it means nothing.

I just can't believe anyone would type those words and say, "Yeah, that's worth publishing in my $5 comic."

HELP ME, CAT.

Soon after this stupidity, Maddie shows up, giving Ormon no time to think about what he just said. She claims he can't have Simon's soul, because, as Simonperior, he can't die. And if he can't die, Ormon can't cash in the soul. As soon as he realizes his mistake, Hell opens up in the middle of New York and demons drag Ormon down, one of whom looks incredibly indifferent about it.

"It doesn't matter. We're all just dust in the end."

Now, I'm going to over-analyze here, again (I know -- big surprise). How do they know for certain Superior can never die? Is it explicitly said in the comics or movies? Because then where's the tension in a story where the hero can't be harmed, let alone killed? Yes, we know the hero always makes it through, but a good story makes us worry for him. If Superior really is immortal, wouldn't Ormon have learned that after he watched the movies back to back?

In fact, back in the first issue we see the latest of these movies. In it, Abraxis claims that Superior is dead and he killed him. He's revealed to be wrong, of course, and Superior claims that "our atmosphere" makes him invincible. But "invincible" and "immortal" are two different things, and one of them still involves the possibility of dying (both, if you're the Highlander). But still, take him out of "our atmosphere" -- like, y'know, when Simonperior flew Sharpraxis into space -- and you have a chance at killing him.

Plus, how did this wish work? Did Simon become Superior based on his idea of the character, or Ormon's? Because Ormon obviously believed he'd die one day, and he's the one holding all the cards. Simon didn't even know all the powers he had at first. Ormon could easily flub the wish and make him mortal. Or he could have, if he didn't spend his remaining wish power dicking around.

Also, did Ormon need that soul right at the stroke of midnight (or whenever his time was up)? Because the way he'd been stating and gloating before, all he needed was a sealed contract by then. I mean, he even states a few pages earlier that he doesn't need to kill Simon. So if Simon doesn't need to be dead by midnight, then the soul doesn't need to be in Ormon's hands by then, either. He just needs the guarantee that the soul will be his upon Simon's passing, however far away that may be. The only evidence he really has that Simonperior will never die ever is the word by two people who don't want to give up Simon's soul. If souls are so damn precious, you'd think Hell would be willing to take the chance that Simonperior, like all living things, will die one day. I mean, Ormon had to assume the kid would have a longer-than-average lifespan when he put his master plan into motion.

Now I know people are going to say I'm being too critical, but you can't base your story in the "real world" (and use that as part of the premise to sell your story) and then expect me to ignore the fact that everything starts to crumble with the slightest application of real world logic. It's the same reason no one lets me talk about Harry Potter with them.

Be reasonable and enjoy stories about a guy running on rooftops dressed like Dracula!

With Ormon now sucked into Hell on an easily-protested technicality, Simon reverts back to his normal self, still in his pajamas. He tells Maddie that "this is exactly what [he] wanted." No, it isn't. I understand what it's going for, but it's not achieving that. Simon doesn't decide to not become Superior because he learns that he's great just the way he is. He remains Simon because he doesn't want to sell his soul. He doesn't learn to make the best of life with MS. He learns that the price for an MS-free life is too high. That's an awful message. It's heartbreaking. I am not saying Simon doesn't have worth as a kid with MS, because he certainly does. But nothing in the story tells him this. There's no uplifting message about life. And since at the beginning of the series he was feeling depressed and, as Ormon tells us, he was desperate, you'd think it would try and put a good message of self-worth. But no, the moral is that you best learn to deal with whatever life gives you, because the price of improvement is too damn high.

In the aftermath, Superior is worshiped as a god, Simon lives life as normal, and Tad Scott makes tons of money off of Superior movies. Maddie doesn't publish her article on Simon, which is apparently the narrations we've been reading (which really bothers me, but now that I'm at the end, I just want to be done). She interrupts her typing to tell us she's taking Simon to the new Superior movie premier (which they made insanely fast, unless she waited several years to start typing and Simon didn't age). There's also a really obnoxious dialogue exchange where one of Simon's friends gawks at Maddie's ass and asks if Simon is "banging that chick", to which his other friend replies, "Totally." Had to throw in one last offense before we were done, eh Marky?

Finally, there's actually a really nice sequence of panels as the filmgoers watch as Superior winks and flies away.

So that's Superior #7. I hate it.

There will be a quiz.

• Superior is a terrible series.
• It doesn't deliver on the promise all of its advertisements made.
• Hell doesn't believe in technicalities, even in its own favor.
• Life will always suck until you're willing to pony up a soul.
• I'm incredibly unfair when it comes to logic in a comic book.
• Mark Millar doesn't understand how math works.

That's all for today. Check in this weekend for my pull list reviews.

And thanks for letting me rant.

Gentleman Spawn (or "Don't fix what ain't broke")

While reading my comics this week, something reared its ugly head in the back of all my DC books that I want to talk about.

It's this. We need to talk about this.

That is the cover to Savage Hawkman #6. As you can see, that's Hawkman on the bottom there being pinned down by..."Steampunk Spawn"?

Actually, that's the new redesign for Gentleman Ghost.

This well-dressed, but obscure, chap.

And I hate it.

But of course I do. I'm a comic fan in the internet age. We live to hate. I mean, I'm interrupting my own way too long rant explaining why I hate Superior to complain about a costume redesign.

"OF ALL TIME."

And honestly, I'm not even the target audience for this. I don't read Savage Hawkman. I'm not a fan of writer Tony S. Daniel. I've never even read a comic with Gentleman Ghost in it.

Despite this, I am a Gentleman Ghost fan, aesthetically. I knew him first from appearances in Justice League Unlimited and a larger role in Brave and the Bold, and I fell in love with the character. As a concept, he was genuinely interesting to me. His powers and his personality were both a lot of fun. But most of all, I loved his design.

"Where my g-HO-sts at?" (I'm so sorry)

All-white suit, cloak and top hat? A cane? Dude's pimp as hell. The invisible body with a floating monocle is pure aesthetic genius.

But I hate this design. I am fully confident that it is the single worst redesign of all time.

Why? I'll give you two incredibly simple reasons:

Now, to be fair, this is going off the image alone, as well as the confirmation that this is Gentleman Ghost. But I'm of the mind that a costume design for a character should tell you as much as it can on first look. The original design was completely white, anachronistically arrayed, and with an invisible body. Those, combined with some artists depicting him as transparent, immediately hint that he's probably dead. His out-of-date, yet dapper, attire, complete with a monocle and cane, leads us to deduce that he's probably higher-class and possibly charming.  A "ghostly gentleman", if you will.

This new design fails to tell us any of that.

1. He's not a gentleman.

Admittedly, "gentleman" is more a mannerism than a visual style, but it was still something elegantly conveyed in the original design that I'm going to hold the new design to it.

This new wardrobe does not translate to me as a higher-class socialite. A top hat and a monocle does not a gentleman make. If anything, he just looks like the mainstream conception of "steampunk".

Nothing about him speaks "elegance" like the old design. His clothes are ragged. His cloak is tattered and his sleeves are torn. That cane just looks like an old piece of wood. I don't even know whats up with those lobster claw shoulder pads.

He's obviously been redesigned to be a "badass", which is a real shame. We have more than enough "badasses" running around in comics (most of which can be blamed on the 90s, which DC is trying to emulate in all the wrong ways). In my humble opinion, it's always a shame to see the more interesting villains disappear to make way for their "hardcore" counterparts.

What happened to the simple "Riddler is a genius in a sweet suit"?

2. He's not a ghost.

Again, going off that image, I don't see a ghost. He's tangible.  He has a solid form. Hell, he has a form at all. One of the most interesting aspects of the original GG was that he had no visible body. He was just floating clothes. It was visually different and engaging. He was unique.

This version has a very visible body. His skin a weird off-white and decomposing, so maybe he's a zombie, but he's certainly no ghost.

Now, his head is cloaked in shadow in the new image, but you can clearly see an eye and the outline of a face. We can see his arms and hands and the cybernetic implants undernea...

Okay, hi there. What?

What is going on with his arm? I see glowing green lights and metal. So not only is he a zombie instead of a ghost, but hes a cybernetic zombie?


And what's with the spider legs?

What I'm getting at is that all this stuff that's added in no way explains or improves the character, not only as he was previously understood, but as he is still currently named.

Nothing about him says "Gentleman Ghost" to me. "Dapper-Hatted Spider Cyber-Zombie", maybe, but that doesn't have nearly as nice of a ring to it.

And it's not like I'm against new interpretations. I actually hate the lethargic lifestyle of comics where the same ideas get rehashed over and over again, and nothing new or experimental lasts for more than a year. But you still have to respect what came before and, more importantly, understand the concept behind the character, even if it's as simple as accurately depicting the name.

To me, redesigning Gentleman Ghost as a zombie is like creating a new costume for Batman based around a mosquito because they also drink blood. Sure, there are some similarities where I can see the connection, but it entirely misses the point.

Now, because I like to think I'm a fair guy...

In the Brave and the Bold episode "Dawn of the Deadman", Gentleman Ghost's physical form in black attire can be seen when he is in contact with Nth metal.

Gentleman Grundy? I'd read it. Hell, I'd write it.

I will admit that I do not think this is canon. But it still could be what we're seeing on this cover, as Nth metal is a Thanagarian material attributed to Hawkman, as it's what allows him to fly. I believe his DCnU armor is made of it. It still doesn't explain the cyber skin and spider-legs, and it certainly goes against my statement that the first image should establish the character (if this is only his Nth metal form), but I figured I'd point it out.


And to go back to being unfair, I'll leave you with this graph someone sent me:

If you know who made this, let me know and I'll credit them.

Superior #7 review next week.

Laters.