Testudownists: Valentine's Day (or "The closest thing I have to a girlfriend has four legs and whiskers")

So I was working on another post last week, but got sidetracked when I went to Columbus for a "cheese party" at Seth's.


He said to bring an interesting cheese and I brought this. Because I'm scum.

I also spent the entire weekend sick, waking up one morning so miserable that I considered shoving my head in the toilet and trying to drown myself. The only reason I'm still here is because I was in too much pain to drag myself to the bathroom and accept the sweet release of death.

I was about to finish my old post today when I realized it's Valentine's Day. A day that always seems to fill me with malice. I haven't been in a relationship around the "holiday" for a while now, so a day that's already irrelevant and silly even with a proper Valentine is even worse when you're alone. I get belligerent towards people that seem happier than me.

Stop having things I want, crudely-drawn people!

It doesn't exactly help that many of my past relationships haven't ended well. My dad liked to describe me as a "crazy magnet" (because a guy who types out his fury about comics to the internet is completely sane).

"You think she puts out?"

I mean, it's obviously not my own fault. Women love abrasive and stubborn men with poor social skills, strong opinions on Spider-Man and Scrooge McDuck, and a bad habit of laughing hysterically in public.

And honestly, I'm so damn cynical now because, at my core, I'm a discouraged and frustrated romantic. The kind of drawings I do this blog actually came originally from comics I used to constantly draw for an ex-girlfriend. I'm even a guy that once folded a thousand cranes for a girl. At about fifty a day, it took over two weeks.

Still, though...not the crazy one.

So, yeah. Valentine's Day puts me in a rotten mood, especially a V-Day when I decide I want to make waffles for breakfast and learn with two ingredients in a bowl that I'm out of ****ing milk. And like I've done with other things that soured my disposition, I decided the best way to deal with it was to tell the internet my opinion.

I turned to the internet when my cat began charging too much.

There's not really much I can say that hasn't been said already.

Hearts don't look at all like the shape of those cards.


I will admit, that does look more difficult to cut out of paper.

Cupid is creepy. People blame things like videogames and television for violence in children, yet we take a day out of the year to celebrate a holiday featuring a half-naked flying fat baby brandishing a deadly weapon.

Then again, the diaper isn't much worse than the sleeveless

leather vests and sunglasses of these two yahoos.

Anyway, I need to stop talking about this stupid day and find something to distract myself before I make myself sick on candy that tastes like chalk.

Before I go, though...here, I made a Valentine for you: