Gay marriage, X-Men, and Nazis

Hi, Humanity. I'm livid.

I've been very busy lately trying to get Ragged Rider stuff done, so I haven't been very consistent with my posts here.

But right now, Humanity, I'm very angry and I need to type out my frustrations. No sketches, no jokes, just real talk. I apologized if this becomes rambling. Let's start this off bluntly:

What is wrong with you? Why are you full of such hateful, spiteful people?

Some of you may have heard recently that homosexual X-Men C-lister Northstar is getting married in Astonishing X-Men #51 next month. It was apparently mentioned briefly on The View. This week's issue 50 featured the proposal between Jean-Paul (Northstar) and his boyfriend Kyle. I didn't think much of it, as I'm not much of an X-Men fan and I know little to nothing about Northstar beyond his name, his powers, and his sexual orientation. But I'm happy for the step Marvel Comics is making, regardless of how small it is or the fact that they're telling anyone who will listen in obvious hopes that the controversy will work in its favor the same way it did for J.C. Penny and Archie. There's a good chance I'll even pick up issue 51 (despite having no investment in the series, stories, or characters) just to show my support of the decision and "put my money where my mouth is".

Because I support gay rights. And I'm offended that that's something I have to declare. I shouldn't be a minority here. I'm not gay myself -- this isn't even my cause. But I am very passionate about it. I have gay friends. I have gay family. And even if I didn't, I would like to think I would still feel the way I do. Because I am a f***ing human being, and despite much evidence to the contrary, I want to believe we're better than this.

But I'm getting into rage out of context.

I went to pick up my comics on Wednesday with my friend Joe. The small shop I go to hadn't finished organizing all the new comics of the week, so we went back and chatted with our comic guy (who I won't name) as he unloaded the boxes. He produced some small cardboard promo cards about the X-Wedding and handed one to Joe and said, "Here, you may want this." He then told us, eyes rolling, how Northstar proposed to his boyfriend this week in the pages of Astonishing and flipped through the book to the splash page of the event. He pointed to it and said, mockingly, "See, he even gets down on one knee and asks him, 'oh, please marry me'." And I thought, Well, yeah. That's typically what you do when you propose. I mean, I'd hope one day he finds someone and does the same thing. What is there to mock here?

Then he glanced back at the panel for a second, shuddered, made a face, and grunted, "Yech!" As he set the magazine back down he lamented, "What is the world coming to? Putting this kind of garbage in comic books..."

And I just stared at him. I felt like I should have said something, but what really could I have said? Any response I could make wouldn't have changed his mind and would have been antagonistic enough to cause an argument. If I started a fight every time I disagreed with something he said (and I've never met a person who's been more wrong in their opinion of comics) I'd never be allowed back in the store. And I like the guy and, on most occasions when he's not blatantly misunderstanding everything that makes a comic "good", I consider the guy a friend. I just changed the topic to the Battleship movie, paid for my comics, and left.

Even in the car, Joe "I'm not homophobic, but here's why I'm homophobic" S***** [Joe said I could use his last name only if I don't make him "sound like a homophobe"] -- who has been quoted as telling me, "I don't care if they make a character gay, just don't make it one I read!" and "They can't make Spider-Man gay because instead of punching people he'll just talk about being gay all the time!" (although he claims those are out of context) -- turned to me and said, "So how about when [Comic Guy] just shuddered at the thought of gay marriage."

And [Comic Guy] isn't the only one. One Million Moms, the mathmatically-impaired religious group behind the failed boycotting of gay marriage of Archie's Kevin Keller, have raised their complaint against Northstar's wedding. I couldn't read past that article's title before lasers started shooting out of my eyes.

In comics it's apparently okay for Wolverine to murder Northstar, but when he comes back to life (because Mutant Heaven has a revolving door in place of pearly gates), letting him marry is going too far.

This isn't just about comics and fictional couples, though. Just a few weeks ago I was a "participant" in the most awkward one-man "conversation" about homosexuality ever.

I was out to dinner with some people and my girlfriend (out of respect of related parties, other names won't be used). I was teasing Jeena about a conversation we had earlier and the topic of gay marriage was briefly mentioned. Another member of the party across the table overheard us and dove headfirst into a speech about how gays shouldn't be able to marry because it's immoral, a gateway to worse crimes, and all of time and space will crumble and fold into itself if the lips of two dudes touch.

He claimed that he didn't hate homosexuals, but then he used the following arguments against homosexuality. Now, I'm paraphrasing here, but all of these were points I swear he brought up:

• They don't really want marriage.
• Give them civil unions and such (y'know, things that are kinda like marriage but really aren't at all) and see how they like that.
• If we let gays marry, what's to stop some guy from Alabama moving here and marrying his 30 wives?
• If we let gays marry, what's to stop some guy from marrying his dog? (Probably the dog's inability to hold a pen and sign a marriage license. Also, canines looks stupid in dresses.)
• People have sex with pets in other countries. Most of the vet visits in [I forget where he said, but I think it was Switzerland] are for sexual abuse to animals.
• Gay relationships are always more violent and abusive than straight relationships.
• Gay couples often don't stay together long and most of their marriages end in divorce.
• (Addressing me...) Now, you're a good-looking young man. You'd probably have, on average, sex with maybe three partners in a month/week (I forget which he said. Month seems more reasonable, but I remember it as week). On average. But for a gay man, it would be in the hundreds. Most of them at the same time.
• Gay people are crawling with STDs.
• Seriously, they're like oozing them.
• The Nazis were secretly a gay organization.
• I'm serious. It's an established fact. (Because at this point I had broken my stone-faced facade while letting him "get it all out" and smirked)
• Hitler was gay.
• Now, I'm not saying the gays are Nazis, but the gays are Nazis.

At this point I politely excused myself to use the restroom and text everybody I knew about how I was having the most uncomfortable conversation of my life. While I was gone, he told Jeena -- who had been seconds away from banging her head against the table until she forgot Math -- that he thought he upset me. When I came back, he apologized to me profusely and then attempted to make up for everything by trying even harder to convince me that my opinions were wrong.

After we were all finished eating and got up to leave I thought it may all finally be over, but nope. Because I forgot we shared a car ride with him, so we spent another ten minutes or so on the topic. And by "we" I mean "he", as I just stared out the window wishing that really was a hippo riding an incoming atom bomb and not just a cloud that looked like one.

I didn't argue back, because I realized there was no point. I wasn't going to win the fight. I wasn't going to change his mind. I would have just sounded to him as he did to me. And beyond that, I don't need to be making more enemies, especially with the people in Jeena's life.

It's their right to have their own opinions, just as it's my right to get on the internet and complain about it. I wish I could have argued back, but here I am typing this instead, accomplishing nothing outside of relieving some stress. It's times like these that I wish I drank.

How's that for an anti-ending?

Comic Reviews - May 2, 2012

4 out of 5
Floating Capes

Action Comics #9 - (4/5)
Writer - Grant Morrison
Art - Gene Ha

After the sporadic and condensed confusion that was the Brainiac arc, it's nice to read a solidly enjoyable, yet still Morrisonian, Superman story. This story, dealing with alternate universes and focusing on the black President Superman that appeared in Morrison's Final Crisis, was a lot of fun. There's a lot of not-so-subtle commentary on the current idea of a superhero that echoes back to his work on Animal Man that I really enjoyed. One of my biggest complaints with the first arc of the new Action Comics was that it felt less like a new retelling of the origin and more like a "what if" tale. There were too many "clever nods" and story alterations that only had an impact if you already knew the original references (such as the build-up to Brainiac) - which defeated the purpose of a new origin for a new audience. It felt less like a a welcome to join in and more like a Where's Waldo for what's different now. Ironically, this story of an alternate-Earth Superman felt more like a true Superman comic than the last arc (perhaps because it presents the idea of alternate worlds within a few pages). There are a few questions I had with the alternate universe that I have with all alternate universes because I think too hard about everything, but none of them are problems. Ha's artwork is solid, although the way he draws this Superman's cape is awkward, and it's presented better in the backup by Cully Hamner. The rest of the backup is forgettable, and I'm still pissed that these are sucking an extra dollar out of my wallet. Overall though, a fun issue that finally has me looking forward to next month.

5 out of 5
Air Combo Finishes

Animal Man #9 - (5/5)
Writer - Jeff Lemire
Art - Steve Pugh

I still love this book so hard and I remain baffled by those who rate Swamp Thing higher each month. The amount of world-building here by Lemire is commendable, as is his clever little nod to Morrison's run at the beginning. Steve Pugh is doing a fine job filling Travel Foreman's shoes, though it's nice to see Foreman handling covers still. The story really gets moving this issue and dives into territory I wasn't expecting, as well as feeding into DC's recent crossover addiction next month beyond Swamp Thing. Also, Zombie Buddy Baker punches a bird and bites its head off. It's pretty much the greatest thing ever.

4 out of 5
Secret Message Bras

Daredevil #12 - (4/5)
Writer- Mark Waid
Art - Chris Samnee

This issue was a fun distraction from the ongoing Omega Drive story, while still tying in. I'm not super familiar with Daredevil beyond this series, so it was nice to see some backstory into his friendship with Foggy, as well as accelerating his relationship with a new love interest. Samnee does a great job taking over the pencils, though I'd be lying if I said I didn't still miss Paolo Rivera. His panel construction and page layouts are superior, but that isn't to say Samnee doesn't deliver a solid book. Especially since, action-wise, the story is fairly tame, being mostly dialogue-driven. Overall, a fun issue and I look forward to the next.

3 out of 5
Hats So Tall They Leave
The Panel

Dial H #1 - (3/5)
Writer- China Miéville
Art - Mateus Santolouco

My familiarity with Dial H doesn't extend beyond a basic knowledge of the core concept. Dialing 4376 (H-E-R-O) on a special phonebooth will grant you unique powers for a limited time. It sounds goofy enough to be a lot of fun. And while it was a little different than I expected, I enjoyed this first issue. The tried-and-true "reluctant hero" trope works well here and makes for an interesting tale. The two Phone-a-Heroes we see this issue are both unique, but the first, Boy Chimney, is the more memorable. It's unfortunate that, the way I understand it, we won't ever see him again. The art is competent, but a little too rough for my tastes. At times it became a little too difficult to see what was happening. Also , kudos for the hidden Pandora like in the original 52 #1s. While I wasn't as blown away as I'd hoped, I enjoyed what I read enough to most likely grab #2 in a month.

3 out of 5
Panels Read in the
Wrong Order

Swamp Thing #9 - (3/5)
Writer - Scott Snyder
Art - Yanick Paquette & Marco Rudy

I am apparently the only comic-reader on the planet that doesn't love Swamp Thing. I don't dislike it either, but I just can't see what everyone else does. The story is paced very strangely and I'm not entirely sure what's happening at times. I don't understand what's going on with Abby or why. The art, though, is my major turn-off. It's too dark, with domination of black that, while I understand it works thematically with the Rot, is distracting. Worse, though, are the page layouts and panel borders. The pages try to integrate the borders into the artwork by using blood or branches to separate panels, but it becomes cluttered and disorienting. Some pages make it difficult to figure out panel order and the awkwardly-defined borders make facing pages look like a splash when they aren't and vice-versa. The book has become frustrating for me to read. I certainly don't hate it, but I don't much care for the story or where it's going. Combined with the difficult art, I may be done with the series once it completes its crossover with Animal Man.

4 out of 5
Roadtrip Songs I've
Never Heard Before

Sweet Tooth #33 - (4/5)
Writer - Jeff Lemire
Art - Jeff Lemire

While still forwarding the story a bit, this issue was more of an epilogue to the previous arc. I really like Lemire's use of the landscape format for this issue, especially for the prose storybook feel. The prose worked well, and was used to great effect to cover a lot of ground and time in less pages. Coming up with "storybook names" for his various characters, it was easy to tell Lemire was having fun, too. As an epilogue chapter, there's not much to say story-wise, but it feels like the story is heading towards a conclusion soon. I remember reading once that Lemire said he had planned up to 40 issues, and I don't know if that still holds true, but it certainly feels like its driving towards the end.

5 out of 5
Black Sheep Relatives

Ultimate Spider-Man #10 - (5/5)
Writer - Brian Michael Bendis
Art - David Marquez

I really love this series and its unique Spider-Man. Miles feels really unique compared to Peter and makes for a more interesting read (although he shares Pete's habit of letting everyone learn his secret identity all willy-nilly). Most interesting of this new Spider-Man is his relationship with his criminal Uncle Aaron, who wants to teach the opposite lesson about power and responsibility as Peter's Uncle Ben. Bendis shines with character development and dialogue, and I was really enjoying the moral discussion between Miles and his uncle. The final two pages, with their dramatic close-ups, really help to increase the tension of the moment. The "TO. BE. CONTINUED." still hits well, but its effect is diminished the second time around. Still, I cannot wait until #11.

I'm going to go see Avengers and the extra post-credits scene
we get in America. In your FACE, Europeans! USA! USA!