Friday, May 25, 2012

Gay marriage, X-Men, and Nazis

Hi, Humanity. I'm livid.

I've been very busy lately trying to get Ragged Rider stuff done, so I haven't been very consistent with my posts here.

But right now, Humanity, I'm very angry and I need to type out my frustrations. No sketches, no jokes, just real talk. I apologized if this becomes rambling. Let's start this off bluntly:

What is wrong with you? Why are you full of such hateful, spiteful people?

Some of you may have heard recently that homosexual X-Men C-lister Northstar is getting married in Astonishing X-Men #51 next month. It was apparently mentioned briefly on The View. This week's issue 50 featured the proposal between Jean-Paul (Northstar) and his boyfriend Kyle. I didn't think much of it, as I'm not much of an X-Men fan and I know little to nothing about Northstar beyond his name, his powers, and his sexual orientation. But I'm happy for the step Marvel Comics is making, regardless of how small it is or the fact that they're telling anyone who will listen in obvious hopes that the controversy will work in its favor the same way it did for J.C. Penny and Archie. There's a good chance I'll even pick up issue 51 (despite having no investment in the series, stories, or characters) just to show my support of the decision and "put my money where my mouth is".

Because I support gay rights. And I'm offended that that's something I have to declare. I shouldn't be a minority here. I'm not gay myself -- this isn't even my cause. But I am very passionate about it. I have gay friends. I have gay family. And even if I didn't, I would like to think I would still feel the way I do. Because I am a f***ing human being, and despite much evidence to the contrary, I want to believe we're better than this.

But I'm getting into rage out of context.

I went to pick up my comics on Wednesday with my friend Joe. The small shop I go to hadn't finished organizing all the new comics of the week, so we went back and chatted with our comic guy (who I won't name) as he unloaded the boxes. He produced some small cardboard promo cards about the X-Wedding and handed one to Joe and said, "Here, you may want this." He then told us, eyes rolling, how Northstar proposed to his boyfriend this week in the pages of Astonishing and flipped through the book to the splash page of the event. He pointed to it and said, mockingly, "See, he even gets down on one knee and asks him, 'oh, please marry me'." And I thought, Well, yeah. That's typically what you do when you propose. I mean, I'd hope one day he finds someone and does the same thing. What is there to mock here?

Then he glanced back at the panel for a second, shuddered, made a face, and grunted, "Yech!" As he set the magazine back down he lamented, "What is the world coming to? Putting this kind of garbage in comic books..."

And I just stared at him. I felt like I should have said something, but what really could I have said? Any response I could make wouldn't have changed his mind and would have been antagonistic enough to cause an argument. If I started a fight every time I disagreed with something he said (and I've never met a person who's been more wrong in their opinion of comics) I'd never be allowed back in the store. And I like the guy and, on most occasions when he's not blatantly misunderstanding everything that makes a comic "good", I consider the guy a friend. I just changed the topic to the Battleship movie, paid for my comics, and left.

Even in the car, Joe "I'm not homophobic, but here's why I'm homophobic" S***** [Joe said I could use his last name only if I don't make him "sound like a homophobe"] -- who has been quoted as telling me, "I don't care if they make a character gay, just don't make it one I read!" and "They can't make Spider-Man gay because instead of punching people he'll just talk about being gay all the time!" (although he claims those are out of context) -- turned to me and said, "So how about when [Comic Guy] just shuddered at the thought of gay marriage."

And [Comic Guy] isn't the only one. One Million Moms, the mathmatically-impaired religious group behind the failed boycotting of gay marriage of Archie's Kevin Keller, have raised their complaint against Northstar's wedding. I couldn't read past that article's title before lasers started shooting out of my eyes.

In comics it's apparently okay for Wolverine to murder Northstar, but when he comes back to life (because Mutant Heaven has a revolving door in place of pearly gates), letting him marry is going too far.

This isn't just about comics and fictional couples, though. Just a few weeks ago I was a "participant" in the most awkward one-man "conversation" about homosexuality ever.

I was out to dinner with some people and my girlfriend (out of respect of related parties, other names won't be used). I was teasing Jeena about a conversation we had earlier and the topic of gay marriage was briefly mentioned. Another member of the party across the table overheard us and dove headfirst into a speech about how gays shouldn't be able to marry because it's immoral, a gateway to worse crimes, and all of time and space will crumble and fold into itself if the lips of two dudes touch.

He claimed that he didn't hate homosexuals, but then he used the following arguments against homosexuality. Now, I'm paraphrasing here, but all of these were points I swear he brought up:

  • They don't really want marriage.
  • Give them civil unions and such (y'know, things that are kinda like marriage but really aren't at all) and see how they like that.
  • If we let gays marry, what's to stop some guy from Alabama moving here and marrying his 30 wives?
  • If we let gays marry, what's to stop some guy from marrying his dog? (Probably the dog's inability to hold a pen and sign a marriage license. Also, canines looks stupid in dresses.)
  • People have sex with pets in other countries. Most of the vet visits in [I forget where he said, but I think it was Switzerland] are for sexual abuse to animals.
  • Gay relationships are always more violent and abusive than straight relationships.
  • Gay couples often don't stay together long and most of their marriages end in divorce.
  • (Addressing me...) Now, you're a good-looking young man. You'd probably have, on average, sex with maybe three partners in a month/week (I forget which he said. Month seems more reasonable, but I remember it as week). On average. But for a gay man, it would be in the hundreds. Most of them at the same time.
  • Gay people are crawling with STDs.
  • Seriously, they're like oozing them.
  • The Nazis were secretly a gay organization.
  • I'm serious. It's an established fact. (Because at this point I had broken my stone-faced facade while letting him "get it all out" and smirked)
  • Hitler was gay.
  • Now, I'm not saying the gays are Nazis, but the gays are Nazis.

At this point I politely excused myself to use the restroom and text everybody I knew about how I was having the most uncomfortable conversation of my life. While I was gone, he told Jeena -- who had been seconds away from banging her head against the table until she forgot Math -- that he thought he upset me. When I came back, he apologized to me profusely and then attempted to make up for everything by trying even harder to convince me that my opinions were wrong.

After we were all finished eating and got up to leave I thought it may all finally be over, but nope. Because I forgot we shared a car ride with him, so we spent another ten minutes or so on the topic. And by "we" I mean "he", as I just stared out the window wishing that really was a hippo riding an incoming atom bomb and not just a cloud that looked like one.

I didn't argue back, because I realized there was no point. I wasn't going to win the fight. I wasn't going to change his mind. I would have just sounded to him as he did to me. And beyond that, I don't need to be making more enemies, especially with the people in Jeena's life.

It's their right to have their own opinions, just as it's my right to get on the internet and complain about it. I wish I could have argued back, but here I am typing this instead, accomplishing nothing outside of relieving some stress. It's times like these that I wish I drank.

How's that for an anti-ending?

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